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Open Questions: Can a unicorn get a date?
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Welcome again to Open Questions, the weekly column where I answer advice questions, interview people in the know, and contemplate common conundra about open relationships. Have a question, or an issue you'd like to see discussed here? Email me!
This week, a Unicorn speaks up. According to Urban Dictionary, a unicorn, in swinger parlance, is akin to the Elusive Hot Bi Babe in poly parlance: a bisexual single woman who is interested in getting together with established heterosexual couples.
She writes:
I am a Unicorn. A real life unicorn. I am a single, bisexual, 20 something year old female who would like to date couples/poly units. And I am looking for dating advice.
I would like to know what are the best ways for me to approach couples that I am interested in dating. I've been trying the patient 'wait and see what happens' route. But well, I am tired of being patient.
I am tired of waiting for what it feels like forever for relationships to come to me, but I am concerned about the repercussions of me reaching out and grabbing/asking for what I want. I don't want to wreck or strain the friendships I have with the couples I have my eyes on. I know that it shouldn't/won't matter to those who are truly my friends. But I can't help hesitating.
Oh, dear Unicorn. I know that many people's first response would be "cry me a river" - after all, you're one of the most desired commodities out there, and there are plenty of people who would love to be approached by you.
But I know it's not that easy - and who wants to be a commodity? First of all, women are still heavily socialized not to make the first move, and so the "wait for people to come to you" approach is all we know. Second, part of the reason the Hot Bi Babe phenomenon receives such ridicule is because the people seeking her are often so creepy in so many ways.
In your case, though, you seem to be in an ideal position. You already have couples you know you're interested in, and you already have a relationship with them, so presumably you know they're not creepy. If any of them are interested in you, they're probably not making a move because they're not creepy. Too much more going on like this, though, and none of you are going to get any.
Making the first move on a couple has to be done even more gingerly than usual, though. The pitfall you want to avoid in all of this is trying to approach one partner through the other, or getting together with them and starting to make out with one while the other is sitting there, without talking about it. The first can make everyone involved feel betrayed, even if you don't intend to do so. The second can make someone feel left out - and leaves out the crucial communication piece, where you find out whether both of them are interested in you or not.
Here's my advice. Have dinner with a couple you like. Maybe invite them over. Get a bottle of wine. When you're a little loosened up, express your interest openly and in words. Say to them, "Hey. I know we've been friends a while, and I don't want this to make anything weird between us if it's not happening, but...I'm really attracted to you both." It's gonna be awkward and hard to say, but your shyness will increase its sincerity, if they're at all sensitive. And if they're interested, you'll know right away.
Be cautious and monitor your feelings as you go forward, incidentally. I've seen (and been involved in) relationships where an imbalance of affection led to disaster. Be honest with yourself and with them about how you're feeling for each of them individually - and together - as your relationship goes on, and at the beginning, too. If the one you really like is the guy, don't string the woman along. If you're really just looking to have encounters with the woman, don't involve the guy just because you're assuming that's what's required.
With all that in mind - go out there and make some hot poly couple - and yourself - happy!
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