Gaming tips: MMORPGs

November 2, 9:21 AMPittsburgh Video Game ExaminerEric Keihl

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Yay, colors!

If there's two things I know for certain, it's that these crazy MMORPG whatchamajigits are all the rage nowadays, and that a lot of gamers who are desperate to jump on the bandwagon can find them a little overwhelming at first. Well, as per usual, I'm here to help, having compiled a short list of absolutely essential tips for the MMORPG neophyte.

(Note: This guide assumes your MMORPG has a fantasy setting.. If you've chosen a game with modern or futuristic setting, either cluck like a chicken while trying to lick your elbow, or follow along as best you can.)

Don't play a warrior.

Did you ever wonder why nobody volunteers to be transformed into an armadillo nowadays? I'll tell you why: because being an armadillo is boring. They eat grubs, they dig tunnels, they curl into an armored ball if they get attacked. As Shakespeare so artfully put it, ho-friggin-hum. But hey, just in case you don't believe me and would like to recreate the experience of being one of those docile creatures, you can always play as an MMORPG warrior, whose essential function is usually to lay back inside his big suit of plate mail and absorb as much damage as possible while everyone else does the killing. Actually, to be fair, it's more like being an armadillo equipped with a laser pointer, since you'll probably be granted a few abilities designed to goad nearby monsters into attacking you. But while Armadillo With a Laser Pointer would be a great title for some sort of dadaist anti-play, it's definitely not the most fun concept in the world of video games.

Don't play a healer.

If you're one of those sappy, lovey-dovey emotional types, you might think the path to MMORPG happiness lies in the altruistic pursuit of keeping your fellow players alive. What you don't understand, though, is that we live in a cold and uncaring universe full of jerks, and the only reward you're going to get for your self-sacrifice is a sloshy mix of contempt and derision. The fact is, you're never going to be able to keep everyone in your party intact, and whenever some poor sap dies (whether it's your fault or not,) I can guarantee that your skills, sexuality, and legitimacy of birth will promptly be called into question, whereupon all of the good feelings you've built up from assisting your fellow gamers will evaporate like a snowball in a greenhouse. Bottom line: helping people is for suckers.

Don't play a mage.

Now here's a class that just doesn't make sense. I mean, they can all channel the incredible power of lightning through theirs bodies, split the very earth in twain, and fiddle about with the very fabric of the universe... yet a couple of rabbit bites to the shin and they curl into a ball and start sobbing for their mommies. What, do magic colleges not have any kind of mandatory physical education program? Does mastering the elements turn your muscles into crepe paper? Or are they just their universe's version of scrawny, limpwristed cosplay nerds, looking for a legitimate excuse to wear fruity capes? Whatever the case, playing a mage is incompatible with your dignity as a human being. Never forget that.

Don't play an archer.

Oh, puh-lease. Let me get this straight: in a world of fireballs, evil swords with demons living inside, and suits of armor with gigantic steel codpieces, somebody thinks it's smart to go into battle carrying a twig with a piece of string tied to it? Seriously, dude, get real. Nobody thinks you're cool.

Don't play one of the more esoteric classes.

If you take nothing else away from this article, let it be this: the more complex and intricate classes, whether it might be called warlock, mesmer, rogue, monk, necromancer, paladin, shaman, druid, shadow warrior, assassin, or whatever, should never be played by anyone, especially you. Because in order to master their intricacies, you're going to have to plunge all the way to the bottom of the MMORPG abyss, sacrificing sleep, work, friends, family, and ultimately your soul in the pursuit of meaningless abstracts like damage per second, skill trees, and the unspeakable dark art of debuffing. That way lies madness, my friends, and as we all know, madness is the only thing worse than sanity.